To Be Without Me Remix Edition
by Chibi Fenrir
Summary: Shinji Ikari ruined the entire world with his bare hands but, even with that in mind, she opened her arms to him...
1. Repressed

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of its characters.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter One:

Repressed

The purple liquid that coursed through Unit 01 sprayed out of its eye socket thanks to the spear that went through its head. Seemingly unfazed by the fatal attack, Unit 01 continued forward, however; the boy that piloted it was anything but unfazed.

In shock, Shinji reached his hand up to his face and covered his eye with his palm. The answer to his unasked question couldn't be more obvious when blood started to seep from between his fingers.

Alas, behind the shock followed the pain that was sure to come.

To his credit, the pilot of Unit 01 held backa scream and tried to move the bio-machine forward. Shaking, Shinji forced his Evangelion to place one foot in front of the other but it didn't take long for both him and Unit 01 to falter.

The massive machine roughly fell into what was left of the GeoFront and the Mass Produced Evangelions did not give it enough time to get back up. Spears appeared in the cloud of dust that rose but Shinji couldn't move fast enough to avoid them.

Again… Unit 01 was speared but, this time; it was also pined to the ground.

They were going to eat him…

Had the purple marks on his skin didn't indicate the areas of intense pain and if his eye didn't hurt to the point of making frustrated tears run down his face, Shinji probably would have found the thought inane.

Nevertheless, one look at the remains of Unit 02 was more than enough to tell him that they would do the same if he didn't do anything.

Wait… Isn't this what he wanted though? Didn't he want to just go somewhere and die? No one could fault him now. He really tried his best and he lost…

Unit 09 descended on the fallen Evangelion. The spear it held nailed Unit 01's hand to the ground but Shinji didn't care anymore. His apathy didn't prevent him from feeling pain but it did prevent him from taking action.

Folding their wings up, the rest of the MP series fell to the ground with a hungry look on their faces. All types of sensors were going off, he was losing blood so fast that it he was beginning to get woozy, the menacing group of Evangelions was closing in on him, and… something was coming out of the ground.

The ground shook and the attack on Unit 01 was halted as all attention was focused on the massive being that suddenly appeared. Maya screamed something though the com-link but Shinji couldn't take his sight off the thing that was coming closer to him.

Why did it look like Rei? Why was it coming towards him? Why did the MP series stop attacking him? What was happening to the soldiers on the ground?

Of course, he had no answers but it was something about that sincere smile…

That wasn't a smile that promised the blessing that was death. It was the smile of a being that knew that life was supposed to be treasured. It was a smile that guaranteed that he would live when this was the certainly the time when he wanted nothing besides a place to die.

The half broken machine that was Unit 01 fought to get up but was put back down by the Lance of Longious. The weapon pierced through its chest and it lifelessly fell back to the ground.

This was all he amounted to?

A coward, an idiot, a pervert, a lonely little boy, a person scared of other people, a young manthat hated being alone, a sad boy who never knew or understood the sense of family, a person who simply didn't get social relationships, a pilot of something that scared and scarred him more than anything else, a weak willed boy who could only do what others told him to do, a meek person who didn't understand others but wanted others to understand him…

A person who only made mistakes…

The dark slits that made up the eyes of Unit 01 became filled with a brilliant white light.

After ripping its hands from the ground despite the lances that kept them in place, Unit 01 slowly got back to its feet and yanked the spear out of its chest. Again, the MP series attempted to make sure the purple monster didn't have the chance to get up.

This time, they weren't met with a useless weapon that awaited its destruction but, instead, a madnessthat was doing exactly what it wanted to do. Unit 01 grabbed Unit 06 out of the air and drove the lance it held through its face.

Unit 01 was made to destroy and it was the definition of the word.

As Rei neared the berserk Evangelion, it created chaos with its own hands and the destroyed remains of the GeoFront became the backdrop to its rage. Likeit was checking names off a list, Unit 01 handled every enemy that stood against it.

Unit 06's lifeless form slide off the lance Unit 01 held and the rest of them took flight. Unfortunately for them, Unit 01 also had wings…

In a matter of seconds, Unit 01 became a conductor ofpain and created a symphony of destruction. Wings were ripped off, heads were smashed, and limbs were broken. The city of Tokyo-3 were soon to be the final resting place of the MP series and not even the giant being above them could change that.

Regardless of that, the combination of Lillith and Rei came closer to the monster who was in the process of defining true carnage. For whatever reason, the last of the Mass Produced series stopped moving and it wasn't until a giant hand passed through Unit 11 that he realized why.

Unit 01 hovered above the GeoFront and Rei reached out to it. She was going to save him from this world… She was going to give him what no one else could.

"Shinji…"

It was a promise.

She could free him from this world and give him a chance to start over. A place where he could live how he wanted to… Do things he wanted to do. Why not? He didn't have a reason to say no.

The eyes of Unit 01 narrows as the massive being came even closer.

"Shinji…" Her voice was more delicate but, at the same time, so emotional. She wanted him to be with her and he could tell because of the way she sounded.

The hand reached out.

Unit 01 drew its arm back.

Salvation was only good for those who wanted to be saved.

Sending its arm forward with enough force to break a dam, the weapon that was made to protect humanity threw a lance directly at the red sphere in the center of Rei. The red lance went through the orb with ease and Rei only stare in shock as she started to fall apart.

The crimson orb shattered and an explosion overwhelmed half of the entire planet.

This was Shinji's Third Impact…

Continued…

Preview:

His Third Impact? Is this his revenge on the world or on himself? Did he fail to carry out what he really desired or was it simply the best he could do? He doesn't care to know. She is his proof that he didn't fail… completely.

Next chapter: Sad Lives

"I like you…"

Author's note: Man, trust me when I saw its hard messing my first story together with my current writing style. I was thinking about changing things around but if I messed with things too much it would turn out being a different story all together and I just wanted to do the rewrite.

Lately? Remember me? To Be Without Me? Yeah, it's on and maybe I should start thinking of better titles... o.o For real though, I hope you all like the remix and new chapters of other stuff is on the way.


	2. Sad Lives

Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Two:

Sad Lives

A post Third Impact world wasn't a happy place at all…

The rain was falling so fast that it was hard to see in front of you, the ground was so muddy that you probably wouldn't be able to walk without slipping, and the sky was just a foggy mix of gray.

Shinji wouldn't be one to complain about any of that as he half fell out of his broken entry plug. Somehow, the entry plug was ejected and he had no idea how he survived the crash but he was really starting to regret he did.

The pilot limped from the entry plug without a clear destination in mind. He had no idea where Unit 01 was and, from the looks of it, he was clearly in the middle of nowhere.

In every direction, all he could see was rain. It was almost too dark to even see a few feet in front of him thanks to the downpour. He could see a bolt of lightning on the horizon and the booming sound of thunder came afterwards… Shinji wasn't scared of storms at all but the light from the lightning verified that he had no idea where he was.

It took another bolt of him to see thedark redspots on his school shirt. It was then that he suddenly remembered that he couldn't see out his eye and, worse, the pain in his chest started to return.

Without doubt, most of these injuries were substained from the crash but this pain in his chest was from the lance that stabbed the Evangelion but Unit 01 healed afterwards. Why did it hurt him so bad?

Falling to the muddy ground with a splash, Shinji was quick to discover that he couldn't get back up. Although it hurt to move, he managed to push himself off the ground just enough to twist around and land in the mud on his back.

The downpour was relentless and the cold rain was unforgiving. As his clothes were drenched, he tried to piece together what happened…

Even if the chain of events were hard to recall, at least one thing was clear.

He killed Rei.

By extension, it was a chance that he killed everyone.

In his bitterness at the thought, Shinji found himself chuckling at the fact. Perhaps he was beginning to go crazy but it was just so ironic that he was the one who wanted to die yet was now probably the last person alive but he could at least find comfort knowing that he wouldn't be living that long thanks to his condition.

The brief laugh died down within seconds and his thoughts again drifted back to the people who tried so hard to help him…

Everyone did their best while he only did what was required of him. If he had lived up to their expectations maybe it wouldn't be like this… Maybe Touji wouldn't have died. It was a chance that Asuka wouldn't have lapsed into a coma. If things were different then maybe he wouldn't know Rei's secret…

So many things he could have done differently but it's all in the past. It was too late to try and be better now that he ruined the whole world with his own hands.

Not only did he probably destroy the world but he also ruined the lives of people who honestly wanted to live, who really deserved to see another day.

It was certainly a little girl out there who was waiting on her birthday presents, a young man practicing to get better at his favorite sport, and a mother looking at a list of names for her kid… He took those things from them for perfectly no reason and he had no way to make it up to them at all.

The burden he carried was dropped. The people he was supposed to protect instead became his victims. Maybe this was what he deserved…

After all, he did kill the only people he could really consider friends.

Misato? Took a bullet for him but he could only drag her so far before she died…

Asuka? He was too feeling sorry for himself to realize what the Mass Production series could do to her and ultimately did do to her.

Rei?

Murdered because he was scared to be accepted… Too afraid to be taken in.

Shinji blinked the water out of his eye but the only thing he could see besides the falling rain was the dark storm clouds above. Turning his head to the side, he managed to catch the site of his broken entry plug in its entirety thanks to the lighting.

However, what he was looking at was not the entry plug.

His vision was finally fading but he still had the sense of mind to realize that the figure moving closer to him was that of a person. Still, he could barely see in front of him now but he had the satisfaction to know that it was no way he would survive.

As the pilot slipped off into unconsciousness, the shadowy figure kneeled over and leaned over the boy with a concerned expression.

0

The jingle of a wind chime could at times be annoying but, right now, it was just strangely out of place. Something that sounded so soft and friendly stood in a violent contrast of a setting thatseemed so bleak and forlorn.

Regardless, it was that sound that woke Shinji up.

Blinking, the brown haired boy took in a breath and fought to get up. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was in a house, a bedroom to be exact. Sitting up in the bed, he looked around the room and found that it looked like a typical room.

The wooden floor was certainly old but the only reason he could tell was because the person who cleaned missed a spot or two and the light blue wallpaper had seen better days. Despite that, the room was in fairly good condition and the furniture was cleaned well.

The flame atop the candle flickered and Shinji eyes scanned the rest of the room. Children's toys were neatly stacked in the corner and Shinji fell out of his housebroken state of mind.

More than anyone, he knew that those toys would never be played with again… and it was completely his fault. Having such a blatant example of his failure in his direct line of sight, moved him enough to try and leave the room.

Pulling back the sheets reviled another surprised though…

His bloody shirt was replaced with bandages that were wrapped tightly around his frame. Even though there were some red spots, it was easy to tell that there were changed recently.

Taking his time to get out of the bed, Shinji opted to search the house and find the person who treated him. Slipping on his shoes that were placed next to the bed and putting on the pants and tee shirt that were neatly folded up in the chair, Shinji took a step and the floor creaked. Deciding that he did indeed make the right choice in being careful, he slowly made his way across the room and twisted the knob on the door.

The pilot poked his head out into the hall and looked down the dark hallway. In a way, it was scary to not know where you were and who treated you but, in wanting to know, Shinji overlooked the fear of the situation and took a step out of the room.

Using the wall for support, he slowly made his way down the hall and listened for any signs of life. Peeking into the two rooms he passed by, Shinji noticed that one was the bathroom while the other was a bedroom smaller than the one he was in. He walked down the hall and stepped into the kitchen.

Unlike the mostof the house, the kitchen was spotless. Virtually untouched by the disaster outside, the kitchen would have seemed perfect if the lights were on. Thankfully, the various candles provided all the light he needed to get around.

"Maybe…" Shinji coughed to clear his throat, "Maybe it's something I can eat in the cabinet." He said softly as he thought out loud.

Almost as if the thought of food triggered it, his stomach grumbled.

Staggering towards the cabinet, Shinji reached up with his bandaged arm and tried to open the cabinet doors until a sound from the front of the house shocked him.

Sadly, not only did it make him jump but it also put him off balance just enough from him to back into the table and, ultimately, fall on the floor. Shinji could feel his heart beating as he could hear footsteps quickly approaching him but he had no idea what to do.

Growing more and more nervous by the second, he couldn't do anything except look up at the person who stared down at him.

Concerned, the girl dropped the bags she held on the floor and rushed to his air, "Are you alright?" She asked quietly, leaning over to help him to his feet.

He didn't accept her help. Instead, he looked the young woman up and down before he started to get off the floor.

This was the wrong time to think about her looks but she was pretty. Her auburn, shoulder length hair matched well with her crystal blue eyes that were still looking at him with worry in their depths. Despite the lack of light for the most part, her skin almost seemed to glow under the candle light but it was her personality that sparkled as she smiled, "You can't remember who I am?"

The school uniform she wore was obviously the one that he would never forget but the girl herself was someone who he couldn't remember at all.

She stuck her hand out and her smile was still firmly in place as she spoke, "I'm Mana Kirishima. Do you remember now?"

Suddenly, he could remember her easily. This was someone he saw before, even talked to before. With his laments temporarily forgotten, Shinji looked up at her in shock. This was someone he knew… Someone who treated him and he forgot about her.

"How… No, why did you-"

Mana cut him off, "I found you on my way back. I didn't think… I didn't think you would make it so I just tried my best to make you comfortable."

He opened his mouth to speak but, briefly, decided against telling her that he didn't want to live, "Thank you Mana…"

"Come on Shinji." Mana, seeing that he wasn't getting up anytime soon, took a seat on the ground in front of him, "You just saved the world. Why are you so down?"

"Saved the world?" Shinji paused as he looked at his hands, "More like ruined it."

"Hmm? If that's the case, then why am I still alive?" Mana asked as she pulled the bags she brought back towards her.

Shinji narrowed his eyes, "W-Why are you still alive?"

Mana shrugged, "Why are you still alive Shinji?"

"Because you saved me…"

The crimson haired girl smiled, "I'm alive because you saved me."

Shinji stood back up, his spirit somewhat lifted after her words. It was true that he did some things wrong but, with Mana as proof, he certainly didsomething right. If she was alive, then it was a chance that he probably didn't destroy the world. Maybe he was right to take down Rei…

Did he do something wrong for the right reason or…?

"I thought I killed everyone…" Shinji paused as he looked up in thought, "I didn't think I deserved to live anymore."

"Don't be like that," Mana stated, rising to her feet while she spoke, "You did what you had to do right?"

It would be easy to just agree with her but he of all people knew that wasn't the case. He didn't act with the safety of people in his mind but for his own selfish reasons. He didn't want to be accepted by anyone and set out to make it so it wouldn't be anyone to be accepted by.

He had blood on his hands he couldn't wash off. Would it be right to just cast their deaths aside and pretend that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't do anything to help them even if he honestly tried?

"I was wrong Mana…"

She hugged him and was the first person to do so in a long time.

He didn't protest as her arms gently wrapped around his injured body and he said nothing as she pulled him closer to her. No matter how abrupt or who it came from, Shinji treasured the hug like it was the best thing that happened to him which it probably was at the moment.

"I watched you before Shinji," Mana whispered in his ear, her ruby locks of hair tickling the side of his face, "You always looked so sad but I didn't know how to approach you."

"Well, I could have just walked up to you but I didn't want to get your way seeing that you were a pilot and all." She continued her story and he quietly listened, "After a while, I decided that I couldn't do it so I had to instead leave you a gift to let you know that I thought of you and was thankful that you piloted."

He silently remained in her embrace and she went on, "Do you remember that bento that I left you? No! More importantly, do you remember the card?"

Inside a plain white box was a plain lunch with a note taped on top. Although even Shinji would admit that the food itself wasn't that great, it was the neatly written characters on the note that he would never forget.

"I like you…" Mana said, voicing what was written.

Shinji relaxed in her arms, her words soothing him like one of his favorite songs. While it was someone who only said those words to him once long ago, she was the person who wrote them long before that.

"I like you."

0

The majestic mix of colors in the evening sky was beautiful to say the least. The mix of purples, reds, and blues in the sky blended to create something that Shinji couldn't take his eyes away from.

Somehow pulling his eyes away from the sight above, the pilot breathed in the air and slowly exhaled before he walked around. He could now clearly see the nowhere he was in the middle of thanks to fact that it wasn't raining anymore.

It was a field… A full field of grass. There weren't any flowers of trees in sight, nothing but the tall blades of green that he walked through. In the distance, he could see his broken entry plug but he could also see things far more significant than that.

On the horizon, he could the familiar orange of LCL but it was the being that lay in the liquid that surprised him to the point that his heart skipped a beat. Like a rock going through a window, it shattered his weak willed desire to see Third Impact as something else other than reality.

The ivory skinned being stared up at the sky he was so mesmerized by with an unblinking gaze as if it cursed the same sky that he liked but could he blame her? From where he was standing, he could also see the Mass Production series suspended in the LCL by the lances he remembered driving through their entry plugs.

"I used their weapons…" Shinji whispered, recalling the feeling of snatching them from their hands.

Reality betrayed him again. All he tried to do was find a single inkling of peace but it was taken from him by a look into the lifeless eyes of someone who tried to save him. Of course, they were far away from where he was but the truth was right there in front of him nonetheless.

Then what was behind him? A lie? He couldn't ignore what he did but this grass… No, Mana meant that he wasn't wrong. If she was alive, then that meant others were alive and that meant that he surely did at least one thing right.

Shinji looked behind him at the line of empty graves he made. All they were made of was upturned soil but it was still something to dedicate to their memory… Anyone would laugh at the lack of effort he put into it but what else could he do? It wasn't like he could bring them back or anything.

"Off being depressed again?"

He shook his head as she walked up to him, "It's not that… I'm just thinking."

"About the graves…?" Mana looked at his dirty hands, "It's not about remembering the dead or anything like that Shinji. Stuff like that only exists to comfort people who are still alive."

Shinji looked up at the sky in thought, "You're saying I didn't have to do it?"

"I'm saying that you have to put the past behind you and walk towards your future." Mana looked at the graves as she spoke, her tone of voice not annoyed but the look in her eyes showing that she was sad as well, "I know I sound like I don't care but if you look down too much then you'll forget about looking up Shinji."

"No, you're right…" Shinji agreed. It was only so much time he could contribute to the past. If he didn't look forward to his future then the people who died would not only be in vain but they would also be shamed. There wasn't a choice. Even if they were dead, he would survive for their sake…

"I like that." Mana said, smiling as she looked at Shinji, "I wish I could take a picture of you with that face."

Shinji raised an eyebrow, "Um… What do you mean?"

Mana playfully poked him in the check, "It's rare to see you with a look of resolve Shinji. Anyway, let's go eat dinner before it gets cold."

It wasn't until she mentioned that she made dinner that Shinji realized how long he was outside. Regardless of that, the girl took hold of his wrist and tugged him in the direction of the lone house in the open field.

Thanks to the abrupt pull, Shinji stumbled and Mana couldn't recover in time to prevent both of them from falling into the ground. The mud splashed as they came into contact with the ground but his dirty clothes were the least of his worries. Shinji groaned as his lifted his head off Mana, "Are you al- Ah! I'm sorry!"

He snatched his hand off her chest so fast that she started to wonder if it was actually there in the first place. His companion wiped the mud off her face with the back of her hand as he moved to get off the top of her, "If touching me was all it took to make you go back to your usual self then I don't mind at all."

"You're covered with mud now though…" Shinji said softly as he looked her up and down, her school uniform soiled with stains.

"Hmm?" Mana accepted his hand and he helped her off the ground, "You're still worrying about the small stuff? Maybe you need to touch me here again!"

"You shouldn't be t-teasing at a time like this!" Shinji exclaimed as he backed away from her with his face covered in red.

The crimson haired girl disregarded his statement with one of her own, "Are you telling me I should be serious with you then Shinji?" She asked before giving chase.

With that, both of them ran towards the house and the empty graves were left alone. Shinji snuck a glance over his shoulder and, other than the girl closing in on him, he could see the graveyard he created.

Maybe his effort really was in vain. From here it just looked like a few piles of dirt and, although he remembered Mana's words, he would never forget the people those piles of dirt represented.

Continued…

Preview:

He spends his days in quiet reflection, silently pondering his place on that fine line that decides right and wrong. Will the questions he has for her cause him to fall… or will he continue to maintain his steady balance?

Next chapter: Conversations

"Let me take care of you…"

Author's Note: Hmm…e.e Nothing much to say except that the Remix is coming along pretty well. I like writing the previews even if people probably don't even read them. ;.;


	3. Conversations

Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Three:

Conversations

Shinji stared at his reflection in the mirror and slowly reached up to touch his bandaged eye. Unwrapping the bandages Mana tightly wrapped around his head, Shinji pulled them off and looked at the mirror as he opened his eye.

The sound of his thumping heartbeat was a sign of how much he didn't want to see how bad it was but he blessed with relief when he noticed it wasn't even half as bad as it felt.

The eerie red eye in the mirror peered at him. At the moment, the fact that he regained his sight in the eye wasn't what occupied his mind. He could only think of that deep red that reminded him of the lance that pierced Unit 01.

"It still hurts…" He said quietly, remembering how it felt when the injury was dealt to him.

"That's why you should rest then."

Her voice startled him and his head immediately snapped towards the doorway, "M-Mana? How long were you there?"

She stepped into the room, "Long enough to see you taking off the bandages." She said harshly as she dried her hands with a towel.

"It's not like that…" Shinji replied quickly, holding up his hands in protest as he spoke, "I'm thankful you helped me but I just had to see how it looked."

Mana sighed before throwing the towel on the bed, "It's not even about how your eye looks or-"

"Y-You saw it?" He asked, cutting her off in the process.

"I saw everything." She said easily leaving Shinji aghast, "Your eye, the marks on your wrists, the bruise on your chest, and the scratches on your back… I didn't wrap you up like that because I thought you would make a good mummy."

His classmate took a seat on the bed as she continued, "Like I was saying, it's not about your eye or about you taking off the bandages. I just want you to get your rest… If I knew you didn't want to go to sleep then I would have asked you to help me wash dishes."

He could tell she was annoyed but that didn't stop him from asking the question that he wondered about more than any other, "Mana… Why do you care about me so much?"

Shinji expected a lot of things to result from such a question being asked but a laugh were not one of them. A tired laugh it was but it was still a laugh. The crimson haired girl shook her head, already knowing how she would reply, "Why shouldn't I care Shinji?"

A look outside could give her the best answer but he decided to be less direct, "This is my fault… I'm surprised you don't hate me."

"You're that insecure?" She asked bluntly, her question having no reply as the boy she posed it to turned his attention to the floor.

That was her answer.

Her exhaustion was overshadowed by the concern in her eyes as she got back up and walked over to her roommate, "Shinji, trust me… I meant it when I said I like you."

"I…"

Mana moved closer to him, "I care because you're important to me."

Faced with her honest feelings, Shinji felt ashamed for asking in the first place. She came to his aid, helped him, and even told him how she felt and didn't ask for anything in return except that he got his proper rest.

However, the only thing he did was make her worry…

"I'm sorry." He whispered as Mana flashed him her usual charming smile.

"I already told you." Mana used her finger to poke him, "You don't have to say that to me. If you act like that then you're inviting me to take advantage of you."

Shinji gulped before he turned his sight back to the girl in front of him. She winked before she started towards the door, "I'm about to finish washing dishes. We can talk anytime but it's important that you get your rest now, okay?"

"Do you want me-"

Still a bit worn out, Mana could only muster a small smile as she successfully predicted what he was going to ask, "No, I don't want you to help Shinji. Just lay down for a while. I'll be finished in no time."

With that, she took her leave. The door to the bedroom creaked open and he could hear everyone one of her footsteps as she went back to the kitchen to finish what she started.

Shinji turned back towards the mirror but, instead of his eye, he looked at the unraveled bandages that hung loosely around his neck. It was selfish of him to undo them he decided silently as he carefully pulled the strips off his neck. He stared at the limp white line of cloth he held in his hand but his thoughts were squarely on Mana herself.

He didn't put any thought into how she would feel. He just went ahead and did it because he wanted to know. Was he putting too much thought into it or…

"Was I always like this…?" The former pilot wondered out loud, gripping the bandages as he thought.

No, he was never this impulsive. He knew from experience that people got hurt when others didn't think things out but something was off.

The blush Mana left on his face was long gone and the serious look on his face could have been set in stone as he turned towards the window. Unlocking it, Shinji pushed open the window and the wind chime jingled as he looked outside.

The landscape was still the same.

"Maybe I changed." Shinji voiced as he looked at the near endless plain, knowing fully well that he was only trying to convince himself. He took a seat on the stool and placed his elbow on the windowsill

Third Impact didn't only scar the Earth. The fact that he was solely responsible for this destruction was reason enough to go crazy but it was the guilt he carried that hurt him so much more.

What if it was Asuka that found him instead of Mana? Would she get her revenge since he didn't make it in time? Would she try to kill him on the spot?

What if he encountered Misato? Could he apologize for leaving her? Would he be able to tell her that he knew it was futile from the beginning?

"Speaking of Misato…" Shinji felt around in his pockets, smiling sadly as he realized that it wasn't there, "I lost something… else… important…"

Folding his arms and placing them on windowsill, Shinji rested his head on his forearm. The memories of days long since past guided Shinji to his dreams and, by extension, the rest that he really needed.

0

"Shinji…"

He stirred in his sleep.

"Shinji…"

The voice called out to him again and Shinji started to rouse from his slumber. While it was clearly his name that was being said, it had such a melodic tone to it that one would believe that it belonged in a song thanks to the way the person said it.

He woke to see nothing. Not sure that he was fully awake, he rubbed his eyes but the same sight greeted him when he took another peek. The quiet darkness was now apparent but the overwhelming nature of the room wasn't thanks to the eerie silence or even the fact that he couldn't see his own hands in front of his face.

It was the chill that went down his spine that made him know that something was extremely wrong… It wasn't just the type of cold you experienced when it was cold outside but the type of chill you feel when you are walking around downtown at night or going through a dark alley.

Something was obviously very wrong about this.

"Shinji…"

That voice rang clearly though the darkness and registered in his mind. It was a familiar voice that he would never forget as long as he lived, "Ayanami…"

The moment he whispered the name, arms sprang from out of the darkness and wrapped around him. Lightly, he was embraced from behind but he did not know who but the sudden appearance of light cleared up any question he would have as he peered over his shoulder to see who had their arms around him.

Rei said nothing. Seemingly taking in the moment for all that it was worth; she released him and stepped back into the darkness. Left in the light, Shinji could only stare at the place where she once stood.

"I can only observe you from behind because…"

The soft voice of his friend was heard once again but her words puzzled him. Confused, he was about to ask a question until she continued.

"You would push me away if I appeared in front of you."

"N-No!" Shinji quickly shook his head, "I won't do it again! I swear on my life!"

The chill he felt earlier returned with enough force to make his legs start shaking. It wasn't even a matter of if something bad was going to happen but when.

"You…" She sighed and could tell just from the sound of her voice that she was tired, "You are still afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, his panicked state apparent as he started to back away, "I'm not scared of you Ayanami! It's not like that!"

His heart felt like it was going to explode as he saw a foot step into the light later followed by a leg. His eyes trailed up the leg up to the school uniform she wore but his inspection of her was halted by the sound of dripping.

It was only then that he realized the blood that dripped on the floor and somehow managed to force himself to look up to see something so horrible that words simply fail to describe the sight.

"T-Then…" She stumbled into the light and, to his dismay, fell which allowed him to see her completely, "Why did you do this to me…?"

0

His scream was the most terrifying thing she ever heard and waking up to it didn't make it at all more tolerable. Mana bolted up and scanned the room immediately only to discover that Shinji was fully awake. The look in his eyes alone was enough for her to realize that he was horrified, "Shinji… Shinji!" She yelled, shaking him until she got a reaction.

"M-Mana…?" He said softly, the distant look in her eyes telling her all that she needed to know. Shinji looked up at her but it wasn't until she leaned over him that he realized that they both were in the same bed.

She touched him…

Surprised by the sudden feelings of her fingers sliding down his face, Shinji motioned to get up but the hand on his chest forced him back down, "It was just a nightmare Shinji. You're okay."

The room was dark but the moonlight more than made up for the lack of candles. Even if his eyes still had to properly adjust to the small sum of light in the room, he could clearly see the look on her face.

"Do you want me to hold you?"

It was a direct question asked with a serious expression. There weren't any charming smiles or light blushes this time around but just her affection. Her aquamarine eyes stared down at him as she asked the question, her fingers still trailing down her face as she spoke.

The nightmare he experienced was forced back into the depths of his mind as he considered her offer. Normally, even having to think about something of this nature would bring a light shade of red to his face but this wasn't the case this time around. Shinji locked eyes with her, "N-No thank you…" He said quickly, turning to lay on his side before he changed his mind.

He refused.

She did it anyway.

Gently, her arm slid under him and she pulled him closer to her. She carefully held him close to her, her head positioned directly behind his.

"Do things when you want to Shinji…" Mana whispered into his ear, "If you don't take chances you get then no one is going to give them to you."

Of course she was right but, in relaxing in her arms, he realized that she was hugging him from behind. A coincidence? It had to be. Besides, Mana she hugged him earlier and he didn't push her away.

If he had taken chances he had then things wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe he would somewhere laughing while he stepped out of Unit 01 for the last time or maybe he would be studying for a test he had.

"Hey Shinji…" Her breath tickled his neck as she spoke, "How do you feel about me?"

"I…"

"You don't have to answer if you don't-"

"I like you, too." He said softly as he stared at the window, the moonlight shining through the window onto his face as he spoke.

Idly, she squeezed him just a bit tighter as his words reached her. She didn't misunderstand him. He didn't see her the same way she saw him but it was possible he eventually would. Not wanting to push him to far, she decided to change the subject, "Do you want to talk about it? The nightmare I mean…"

He opened up to her and told her everything. With as much detail as possible, he told her from beginning to end. Nothing was left out. He told her about how he brought about Third Impact and he told her exactly why the nightmare bothered him so much. Occasionally speaking to let him know she was still awake, Mana listened to every word before he fell asleep.

Pulling the sheets over them, Mana slid her arm from under Shinji and stared at his prone form. Figuring that this was probably the best sleep he had in a while, she tried her best not to disturb him but the oncoming feeling was all she needed to know that it was no way to stop what was about to happen.

Mana buried her face into the pillow and the muffled scream did little to rouse the boy beside her. The worst part was over but she didn't have the strength to stop what came next. Despite her attempt to cover her mouth, she whispered words she hoped to God that Shinji didn't hear.

"Goodnight Ikari…"

0

"Mana…" Shinji muttered, tears of happiness threatening to come down his face as he took another bite, "What… What is this?"

The girl in question smiled seeing that he liked her cooking so much, "They're pancakes Shinji. Surprised you never had any." She said before sliding the syrup to his side of the table.

"They are really good!" He said happily, the thought of her making them for him making him feel way better than he did the last few days.

"Take your time Shinji," Mana pushed her plate aside and got up from the table, "I'll change your bandages after you're finished."

"Oh… Okay."

Shinji turned to the small window in the kitchen after he finished the last of his pancakes. When he got up, the first thing he saw was the sunny, clear sky. Possibly being the only person to ever see a sky stained with blood caught in atmosphere, Shinji appreciated seeing such a sight a lot more than he previously did.

The sound of the metal first aid box clacking on the kitchen table was enough to bring him back to his senses. Mana unlocked the box and opened it as she spoke, "You really look outside a lot Shinji. I didn't know you liked nature that much."

"It's not like that." He stated as he watched her get out the antiseptic and bandages, "It's just that I didn't realize how much I took things for granted until I looked at the sky with you."

"Take off your shirt."

Shinji blushed as he started to pull off his navy blue tee shirt. Mana quietly stared at him as he dropped his shirt on the floor and Shinji couldn't help but feel her eyes tracing the injuries on his body.

"Don't be so shy about it… It's nothing I haven't seen before." She said gently before she started pulling away at the bandages wrapped around his torso.

"It doesn't bother you…?" Shinji asked softly, white strips of stains of red being taken off him as he posed the question.

"Of course it does. I hate seeing you hurt Shinji…"

It probably would have been better to keep silent but he had to tell her even if she could already tell, "I'm sorry for hurting you Mana."

When she didn't reply, he continued, "I was thinking about you before I went to sleep. Every since I've been here, you only cared about me and I didn't even think about the important stuff…"

"Your family... Your house…" Shinji cringed as she tended to the cut on his back, "I don't know why I didn't think of those things now. The… The people who are important to you are probably gone and it's all my-"

"I'm not going to hate you Shinji." Mana cast the old bandages aside as she picked up the new roll, "You're forgetting you're an important person to me, too."

The tears fell but there was no sadness. There was a profound feeling of worth. Instead of just feeling needed which was usually the case, this time around he honestly felt wanted and that touched him far more than someone cooking just for his sake, "I wish I met you sooner." Shinji whispered, using his forearm to wipe his eyes.

"Keep your arm like that…" Mana said, smiling as she moved in front of him, "Is it okay if I'm here now?"

He nodded as she wrapped the bandages around his frame. Carefully, she took her time and allowed Shinji to lower his arms when she finished. Crashing down like that in his entry plug left him with a lot of minor cuts and scratches but he had the occasional injury that she had to treat.

Mana leaned over in front of Shinji who still had his head down, "Come on, let's go do something."

He made no attempt to move so she grabbed his hand and, at the same time, Shinji spoke, "I won't take them off again."

Instantly knowing what he was talking about, Mana's smile became even larger than before, "Thank you."

Shinji knew it every since he saw her for the first time but today only served to remind him how precious her smile was to him. He could go on for hours about how beautiful or charming her smile was but seeing her happy was important to him.

The pilot stared at their joined hands and stood up, "You're welcome."

Continued…

Preview:

The limitless sky… In his dreams, her heart is the moon and his desires are the sparkling stars. How long can she sail in his sea of endless affection before dawn arrives and the sun comes up?

Next chapter: Breeze

"Reality is not what you believe it to be."

Author's Note: The Remix is showing me some love. Getting some work done on some other stories. It's all good. See you all in the next chapter. Hmm, as you read this, I'm probably doing the final chapter. o.o


	4. Breeze

Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Four:

Breeze

Days passed just as quickly as the stray wind that came through the window he sat in front of. Waiting for the girl behind him to wake up, Shinji silently stared outside and admired the view. Idly, he noted that the graves he went though all the trouble to make were already gone. Even with that in mind, he did not feel his effort in making them was wasted. The mounds of dirt fell over but his memories of his friends were something he would never forget.

The wind chime above him jingled again and he could hear Mana starting to get up, "Shinji…?"

"Are you feeling better?" He asked as he got off the chair he placed in front of the window.

Mana turned towards him and nodded, "Yeah, I just needed to rest for a while… I get a bit tired every now and then."

Relieved, Shinji took a deep breath and released it, "That's good. I was starting to think you were sick. You should just stay in bed then. I'll do everything-"

"You were watching over me?" She interrupted him and, even if she still looked a bit sleepy, the look in her eyes demanded an answer.

"I got worried when you dropped the plate and started leaning on me." He said softly as he recalled what happened yesterday, "I thought… I was started to think it was my fault."

"It's nothing like that. I just suddenly don't feel good sometimes but I'm really glad Shinji." Mana smiled as she pulled the covers back causing Shinji to advert his eyes when he noticed she was only in her underwear.

Shinji coughed as she walked toward the mirror, "I washed our clothes."

A sly smile appeared on Mana's face, "Hmmm? So you undressed me while I was sleep… Makes me wonder if you did any-"

It was Shinji's turn to cut her off as he turned to her with a crimson face, "No! I mean, I just needed your uniform. I found a dress in the closet and I washed that for you."

"If I had known you were going to do that then I would have gave you my pan-"

"Ah!" Shinji said loudly, slamming his fist into the palm of his hand like he came up with a good idea, "I will go make us breakfast!"

Mana chuckled at his horrible acting as he ran off but, almost the moment he left the room, her laughter came to an abrupt halt. She slowly walked back to the bed and fell backwards on to it after she sighed.

She didn't know what to do…

Sooner or later, he was going to wonder why she suddenly got tired every now and then. She could just tell him a lie but what was the point of keeping a secret when it was only to two of them? Besides, telling him would be so easy compared to suppressing it…

"What am I thinking…?" His classmate voiced as she thought out loud.

She couldn't afford to falter now. He was depending on her and was finally starting to warm up to her. This was just something she would keep to herself.

0

Mana leaned back in the chair after she handed Shinji the plate, "That was good Shinji! If I knew you could cook that well then I would have let you make dinner a long time ago."

He warmly accepted the plate from her and placed it in the sink, "Oh, thanks…"

"What's wrong?" She asked because of his dejected voice.

Already knowing he couldn't say it to her face, Shinji turned away from Mana, "It's just that I like your cooking better."

"It's the little things…" Mana brought the chair back to the floor and got out of the seat as she spoke, "You always like the small stuff that most people take for granted."

Shinji turned towards the sink and got ready to wash the dishes, "You say it like that's bad."

"It's not bad at all. It's just that you aren't supposed to be content with someone like me making dinner for you or someone washing your clothes. You are satisfied with stuff like that." Mana shook her head as she moved walked away from the table. Of course, she knew as much before hand but it wasn't until now that she finally realized what he needed, "You're great Shinji but you are too modest about it."

"Mana…"

"Forget about it..." His roommate said, dismissing the topic with a wave of her hand. She opened up a cabinet and fished her arm around inside it until she found what she was looking for, "We're going to celebrate now." She said calmly before pulling out a case of what looked like beer.

"Huh…? Where did you get that from?" Shinji asked with a confused look on his face.

The wry look in her eyes already told him what she was about to say, "The cabinet."

He grabbed a towel and dried his hands before walking over to her, "Seriously…"

"I was looking around and came across it before I found you." Mana tossed a can up to him and he juggled it before finally catching it, "Let's drink some."

"W-Wait!" Shinji paused as he tried to make reason of the situation, "You haven't told me what we're celebrating and I don't even like beer."

"Um, we are… we're celebrating your first time cooking here!" She raised her arms in the air as she said it for extra effect but it didn't at all fool the pilot in front of her.

He sighed, "You just wanted to drink some?"

Mana lowered her arms and nodded, "Yeah… I want to drink something other than water sometimes. You don't have to drink with me if you-"

"I don't mind." Shinji grabbed the can she gave him and pulled the tab on it as he sat on the ground next to her. He took a glance at Mana as she opened her can and, at the same time, they took the first gulp of the beer.

He smiled when he lowered the can from his lips. It tasted just as bad as it did the first time but, if she wanted to drink it, he would keep her company. While the girl opposite him didn't exactly enjoy it as much as she thought she would, she didn't at all mind having something other than water for at least a while.

Shinji drunk some more and used the back of his hand to wipe off what was left on his mouth, "I'm finished." He said, the aftertaste already making him regret drinking the stuff in the first place.

"Aww, don't cut down on the celebration already Shinji. Just have two more, okay?"

She rolled two more cans in his direction and he picked one of them up, "Okay…" He said as he took another look at the girl in front of him and popped the tab.

Their morning continued with both of them drinking the beer and depositing their empty cans in the space between them. With Mana urging him on, Shinji started to drink his third can and that was when he started to feel a bit woozy, "Ugh, no more."

"Ha," She placed her can on the ground, "I just wanted to see how much you would drink before you gave up."

Shinji rubbed his head, "That's kinda mean…"

"I didn't mean it like that." Mana stared at the empty cans in front of her, "You'd go this far if someone is telling you what-"

"No… I…" He shook his head to clear his mind then raised his head to look directly at her, "Just because I don't like something doesn't mean I won't do it for you."

"I know I don't have any confidence and that I'm insecure but I can still do things for people important to me." Shinji continued, his eyes drifting down towards the beer cans as he spoke.

"This is what I meant." He blinked as she suddenly spoke, "You'd go out of your way for people and end up with the short end of the stick. Why would you go so far for people when you know you're going to end up sad?"

She knew it sounded selfish when she said it but that didn't matter. How could he hold onto that way of thinking despite everything he been through?

"People are sad Mana. It's just a matter of making them happy when you can that's important." Shinji slowly stood back up, "Misato taught me a long time ago…"

"Moved by the small stuff…"

Slightly irritated that she called major's advice small, Shinji immediately turned back to her, "What is big then Mana?"

He didn't have any idea how long she waited from him to ask, "Have you ever kiss someone?"

"Asuka…" He said, the words slipping out of his mouth the moment he remembered.

"Her?" Mana yelled obviously upset, getting to her feet as she spoke, "Why her of all people!"

Dazed by seeing her angry for the first time, Shinji stepped back in shock but later regained his composure, "W-What's wrong with Asuka?"

"She didn't like you..." Mana quickly calmed down but her words kept an edge sharp enough to cut, "You're not supposed to do things like that with people who don't like you Shinji."

"Mana, what do you have against her…?" Shinji asked, too curious to keep the question to himself.

"I know how she treated you…"

"It wasn't bad or anything. That's just how Asuka was."

"She hated you."

"I know… I know that!" Shinji said, unintentionally raising his voice at her. He knew fully well that Asuka didn't like him much in the first place but it wasn't until later that her bitter hatred of him was apparent, "I did bad things to her Mana. It's not her fault so don't get angry at her."

"I'm jealous…" Mana said before she turned away from him.

"Huh?"

"You still care about her even though she doesn't care about you." His former classmate stated, walking away as he stared at her from behind, "I want to be that close to you…"

"You… are."

Stunned, Mana snapped back around and stepped towards Shinji but it wasn't until she stepped on them that she realized she forgot about the cans. She started to fall but Shinji easily caught her before they both hit the floor. It wasn't until he flinched that she realized that he fell on his back… with her on top of him.

"Are you okay?"

"I really like you Mana." He laid on the floor and looked up at the ceiling as he spoke, "No, I… I think I love you."

Mana crawled over him some more so she could look him directly in the eyes. He could feel the tears splash on his face but he didn't need that to tell that she was crying. The smile on her face contrasted the tears but that was enough to let him know that he didn't do anything wrong.

"I love you Shinji."

It wasn't hard to say anymore.

Now, it was just as casual as a friendly slap on the back or as usual as a greeting. It was something she just couldn't pop up in a random conversation and just hoped he felt the same. It was only when his feelings were confirmed that she could tell him.

She reached for his wrist and gently pinned his hand to the ground. Placing her other hand on the floor for support, she lowered her head until her lips brushed against his.

Did he understand?

This was more than kind words and encouragement. This was more than making him something to eat or washing clothes. This was something she wanted to share with him and only him.

Cleary, he didn't quite get it but that was okay…

Mana licked his lips and could still taste the beer they drunk but her mind was firmly set on what she was about to do. She held out for as long as she could but, without any protest from him, she couldn't help but continue.

She kissed him and, probably more importantly, he kissed her…

0

This darkness was felt familiar and it didn't take long for him to wonder why thanks to the pale hand on his shoulder, "Rei?" He called out, unintentionally using her first name.

He didn't receive a reply.

"You don't forgive me?" It was almost a pointless question. Even if his sanity was barely intact, he had enough sense to realize what he was doing when he killed her. It wasn't like she was just going to accept one of his awkward but honest apologies now.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." She softly clutched his shoulder, "I was too… rash." She whispered, the trace of regret in her voice standing out.

"Don't say it like that…" Shinji looked at her hand, "It doesn't mean much but I'm really sorry Ayanami. I don't know how I could make it up-"

"I was selfish." Her quiet confession interrupted him and left him with no choice but to listen, "I wanted to show you…"

"Show me what?"

"That you don't have to be alone."

"You don't hate me for… killing you?" He turned his eyes away from the ghostly pale hand she had placed on him. The idea of her hating him was something he already accepted as fact. Every since he saw that lifeless gaze he knew that it could be no way that she didn't resent him.

"I do not have any hate for you… I am at peace."

That weight on his soul was lifted but the fact that he killed her would always remain. Regardless of that, he was just glad that she understood but he just needed to know one more thing, "Ayanami, is this real…?"

It was another pointless question. It was obviously a dream but even a lie would make him feel that much better.

"Real is subjective Ikari."

That was an answer he did not expect.

"This may be as real as anything you experienced but what you may believe to be reality can possibly be dream shrouding itself in your truth."

Shinji was confused but he continued to question the girl behind him, "I don't understand… What are you trying to say?"

"What are you trying to ask me?" Rei replied, answering a question with a question.

"Are you the real Rei?"

"I am."

Despite the oncoming headache, Shinji couldn't help but let a small smile come to his face, "I'm glad I could tell you but why… did you do… that to me last time?" He finally managed to get out, the pounding headache giving him no relief.

"Last time?"

Shinji's eyes widened as he heard what she said. Immediately, he turned around and stood face to face with Rei and looked directly into her crimson eyes. He tried to ask her something but he fell to his knees, the headache overpowering him with ease.

He couldn't speak, much less move, but it was then Rei went into motion. She kneeled down and, carefully, placed her hands on his shoulders. She was saying something but the headache was seriously killing him.

Then everything suddenly went black.

0

"My head…" Shinji sat up in and rubbed his head. Alas, the headache, while not as painful as before, was still there. Looking around, he realized that he was in the bed.

It wasn't until she shifted that he noticed that Mana was right beside him, her arms wrapped around his waist. Slowly, she opened one of her eyes and looked up at him, "A hangover… after drinking three beers?"

Memories of Misato stumbling around the house complaining about hangovers came to mind but quickly left when he shook his head, "No, it's not that…"

"Is something wrong?"

"I was just having another dream…" Shinji turned to the window and saw the evening sky.

Mana released him and also sat up in the bed, "You didn't go to sleep last night did you?"

"H-How did you know?" He asked, his expression full of the surprise his voice contained.

"The moment we got to the bed you feel asleep so fast that I thought you passed out." She stretched now that she was fully awake again, "I'm glad you're up though. I'll make dinner."

"I didn't want to disturb you and…" Shinji blushed, "It's not right to just get in the bed with you."

"Oh?" His words drew a smile from her, "You're my boyfriend. I don't have anything to hide from you."

The word boyfriend rang in his mind as she moved to get out of the bed and, because he was so caught up in thinking, the fact that Mana slept in her underwear was completely forgotten. He could remember when he didn't even understand exactly what it meant to have a friend and, now, he had a girlfriend.

"Shinji…"

Her voice roused him from his thoughts and the tone of her voice attracted his complete attention. Dressed only in her bra and some pants he found that fit her, Mana held one of the candles and stood in the doorway with her back facing him.

Slightly worried because of how she said it, he didn't take his time to reply, "What is it?"

"I forced the kiss but I really do love you."

She was serious.

Truthfully, he didn't find it forceful at all especially since he was more than willing to submit. More than the kiss, he remembered how happy she looked and remembering that moved him enough to voice what he wanted to say.

"I love you too Mana."

She looked over her shoulder and flashed him the smile he always found so precious, "I know."

Almost at the exact time she left the room, his stomach grumbled but he had something other than food or even Mana on his mind. The last thing Rei said to him disturbed him enough to clearly remember it even if it was just a dream.

"Reality isn't what you believe it to be." He muttered slowly, trying to let the words sink in. She was never as cryptic as most people made her out to be but some of the things she said did sound like riddles and this was definitely one of them.

He didn't have an answer for it yet but, as he pulled the sheets back, he knew that it would come to him eventually. Not because he would figure it out though. It was because, despite everything that happened, Rei never lied to him.

Continued…

Preview:

The sun appears over the horizon, ushering in a new day as it rises higher in the sky. The questions from a prior day join the new and continue to cross into the tomorrow that is fated to come… However, she watches the sunset knowing fully well that the answers he seek are ones that she will never share.

Next chapter: Real Lies

"Do you hate me now…?"

Author's Note: Things are coming together. Next chapters are coming up.


	5. Real Lies

Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Five:

Real Lies

"Where is she…?"

That single, simple statement perfectly mirrored what was on his mind as he looked through the house for sight of the girl. While he could never admit it, he had gotten used to sleeping next to Mana so it wasn't easy to rest without her beside him.

As he knocked on the bathroom door and hoped for a reply, he started to think of where she could have went. She had to know better than he did that they were in the middle of nowhere, it would take at least a full day of walking till the house wasn't in sight and even then he wasn't sure how far the field of grass extended.

Moving on to look through the other rooms, he figured that it was a chance that maybe she did know it would take that long and left him because of his condition.

Shinji held up the lit candle he brought with him and looked into the guest bedroom. No sight of her but a quick glance at the desk showed him where she kept the first aid stuff. He sighed as he walked into the room for the first time, "Maybe she really did leave me behind…"

She probably went to get groceries. That's where she returned from when they first encountered each other. Now that he was more than certain about her destination, he started to worry even more. What if something happened to her and why did she have to go at night? He wouldn't know and wouldn't even be able to go look since he has no idea where she went exactly.

Worrying about it wouldn't do anything but grate on his nerves. If he found something to do then it'd not only make it feel like she got back faster but it was also save her from doing something he could do.

With that in mind, he took a seat on the bed and a small cloud of dust that rose up. Shinji coughed a bit but, while he waved the dust away, a thought of what he could do in the meantime can to mind.

Standing back up, Shinji walked over to the desk and placed the candle on top of it.

The melting candle was witness to his task as he cleaned up. Fallen books were placed back on the bookshelf, the dusty bed was properly made, and Shinji used the broom he got from the kitchen to sweep the floor.

Despite what most people seemed to think, Shinji never liked cleaning. It was just that it was hard for him to concentrate on thinking when he was preoccupied with something and cleaning the room did that well. It wasn't long until the room was relatively clean but that fact escaped him as he saw a familiar briefcase on the side of the desk.

He raked his mind trying to recall where he saw it and remembered.

It was exactly like the one Asuka carried to school.

Curious, he moved closer to it and grabbed it as a thought came to mind. Sure, he wanted to see what was inside but, deep down, he hoped it was Mana's briefcase just so he wouldn't be faced with the fact that it probably belonged to a girl that wouldn't be coming back for it because of something he did.

He placed it on top of the desk on the side of the candle and unlocked the hatch. It wasn't until the contents of the briefcase were scattered across the desk that he saw that it did indeed belong to his girlfriend.

Most of the books and files were obviously from school but there was something that caught his eye. Shinji stared at her diary and the small, gold plated lock that kept it away from prying eyes gleamed in the candlelight. It wasn't so much that he ever considered reading it in the first place but the fact that it was locked.

Of course, there was nothing at all wrong with her having a lock on the diary but, for some reason he couldn't explain, he suddenly felt a bit insulted. Did she think that he wasn't trustworthy?

Shinji sighed as he turned his attention away from the diary. He was thinking too much again. This was one case where he just had to take it at face value. The diary more than likely just came with a lock and she left it there.

Moving on, he caught sight of a yearbook and smiled as he picked it up. Just the sight of the book made him remember the goofy pictures Touji and Kensuke showed him from their yearbook. It was a fond memory only made bitter at the thought that they never had a chance to take pictures for the new one.

However, Shinji had things more pressing on his mind than that, "Why does Mana have a yearbook when she came after I did…?"

That splitting headache returned with a vengeance. He dropped the book and stumbled backwards, ultimately causing him to fall down on the floor. While he had no idea why he was suddenly getting headaches, he had no explanation at all for the sight in front of him.

Clutching his head as he crawled towards the yearbook, he verified what he thought he saw. Shinji fought to keep from blacking out as he flipped through the blank pages of the book but the headache eventually overwhelmed him…

0

She was humming.

Shinji slowly opened his eyes and watched Mana as she folded clothes. Sitting in front of the window he always liked to look out of, she peacefully hummed a song he never heard before but that didn't at all mean that he didn't like it.

When he sat up in the bed, she stopped what she was doing and came to the side of the bed, "Are you alright…? I found you lying on the floor in the guest bedroom."

"Mana…" He looked directly at her, pausing as he reconsidered asking the question but did anyway, "Where were you?"

"I asked you if you-"

"Please." Shinji said softly, breaking up her statement in the process, "Can you tell me where you went?"

She knew this was going to come eventually but that didn't mean she was prepared for it. All the while, she knew that telling him the truth would ruin everything. If she shared what she knew there was no telling what could happen.

"I took a walk."

He turned away from her, "You're lying…"

It was becoming more and more difficult to hide. Shinji was starting to get wise and her tricks weren't good enough to fool him anymore. The idea of telling him now was starting to sound more and more appealing as opposed to the constant lying but she knew he wasn't going to like it.

Mana placed her hand on top of his and stared deep into his different color eyes, "Shinji, listen to me. I'm going to tell you something but, before I do that remember, you said you loved me." She continued, her words leaving him with the impression that what she was about to say was going to have a serious impact on him.

"I…"

Quietly, he looked back into her eyes with faith that the news couldn't be that bad.

"I…"

She could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn't ready but she had to tell him. The longer she held out, the harder it would be to tell him so she had no choice but to do it.

"I… I went to your entry plug to see if it had another first aid kit. You're getting better but I'm running out of medicine and bandages."

The lie was so obvious that she couldn't even look at him as she said it. The moment she was about to tell him the truth, her resolve dropped from under her and she was forced to make something up on the spot.

"Oh… You didn't want me to think I was seriously hurt so you didn't want me to know?"

He wanted to believe her so much that he helped her with the lie and it hurt so much more than just lying to him herself. However, the worst part about it was that she knew more questions like theses were destined to come. Hoping that he would never figure it out was simply wishful thinking on her part. She was only prolonging the inevitable now.

"About that yearbook, I… ugh."

Her eyes went wide with shock as he brought up something he wasn't supposed to, "Forget about it!"

"H-Huh?" The intensity of her voice brought him back to his senses. Something was obviously wrong, "Why… Why do you want… me… to..."

Shinji blacked out and Mana watched as he fell back on the bed. With a concerned expression, she used her finger to sweep a stray strain of hair from in front of his eyes.

"You're trying too hard."

0

For the second time today, he slowly opened his eyes and the first thing he laid his eyes on was the open window. Carefully, he slipped from under the arm Mana had draped over him and successfully got out of the bed without waking her.

A chilly breeze came through the window and Shinji shivered. Briefly, he considered getting back in the bed and just going to sleep but that was something he couldn't do now that a chance presented itself.

Curiosity wasn't the only reason this time…

Without a doubt, he had to know exactly what was happening and he had to find out before those headaches came. Using his resolve as a platform, Shinji didn't even bother to look behind him as he walked out of the room and down the hall to the guest bedroom.

He twisted the knob and the door squeaked open.

Shinji walked into the darkness and felt around on the desk until he found what he was looking for. He reached in his pocket for a match and lit the candle causing the room to once again be illuminated by the soft light.

Now that he could see, it was easy to tell that the room was still in the same state he left it in but he didn't care that he never finished cleaning it up. Quickly, he came across the diary on the floor and remembered that it was locked.

Pausing to wonder if he should really do it or not, Shinji lifted the book and slammed it against the desk. The cheap lock broke easily and he opened the diary, already beginning to feel the onset of his headache.

Sadly, his search was not in vain and it was just as he thought. The black lines on the pink paper had nothing written on top of them, "It's blank…"

The diary was thrown to the floor as he reached for the history book and discovered that it too had blank pages. He was about to pick up the English book until he noticed that something was blocking his light.

It was a shadow… Her shadow…

"What are you doing?"

Her voice was just as cold as the look in her eyes but that didn't at all cause him to falter. Shinji threw the book he held back on the ground and stood up to face his girlfriend, "Why are the pages blank?"

"Why do you need to know?"

Frustrated with the lies, Shinji walked passed her without saying anything but she grabbed his forearm, "Do you know what you're doing Shinji?"

"I'm trying to find out what's going on… since you won't tell me."

Now she was starting to get angry.

He had no idea how much work she put into keeping her secret and, not knowing a thing, he opted to overlook her in his search to find out things he didn't need to know. With her temper flaring, Mana let go of his arm, "I'll tell you then."

"Why are the books blank?" She shrugged, folding her arms in front of her chest as she spoke, "Maybe because you haven't thought about what you wanted to see in them."

Shinji could tell she was upset and he could deal with that but it was here words that left him in complete confusion, "What does that mean…?"

"Do you know why you really like looking outside Shinji?"

She answered another question with a question but he shook his head regardless. Mana sighed as she looked down at the books on the floor that supposedly belonged to her, "It's because you want to leave… Ever since you've been here, you have wanted to leave."

"H-How can you say that? You-"

"Don't know what I'm thinking?" She bent over and picked up her diary, looking through the blank pages as she spoke, "I do Shinji…"

This had to be a dream… No, it was a dream. There was no way that this could be real but the sound of the diary falling on the ground snapped him out of his delusions. Mana stood back up and walked up to him. Neither of the classmates said anything. One too shocked to even comprehend what was going on and the other knowing that this marked a drastic change in their relationship.

"You're scared, huh?" Mana whispered, surprised that he didn't run away yet.

Shinji didn't reply and she already knew why. Tenderly, she rubbed her hand on the side of his face and caught him as he fell forward. She knew why he was having those headaches but she wouldn't help him. While the thought was indeed cruel, Mana held him as he struggled to stay awake, "Are you still awake?"

"Mana… you…"

"I'm not going to let you just walk away from me Shinji..."

She was completely serious. If he stayed because of his own free will then things would be fine but she was not afraid to stop him from leaving her alone. She also knew she was selfish but there was more to it than that.

There was a lot more to it than just her feelings…

0

"Mana…?"

Still woozy, Shinji fought to get up but the headache while not as painful was still present. Instead of sitting up, he looked at the girl who sat at the end of the bed with her back turned to him.

"Mana?" He said weakly as he gave up trying to move.

"Do you hate me now…?" She asked, her back still facing him as she spoke.

Did he hate her for this? No… He couldn't say that but he just wanted to know why. Why was he having these headaches? Why did she know that stuff? He had so many questions he wanted to ask her but that didn't at all mean that his feelings for her changed.

"I don't hate you." Shinji opted to look at the ceiling instead of her, "At all..."

There wasn't any more talking.

The open window invited the occasional breeze inside and the flame atop the candle was eventually blown out. Neither of the two said anything as a blanket of darkness fell on the room softened only by the moonlight that filtered through the clouds.

Besides the sound of the wind, Shinji noticed he could hear something that sounded like scratching. His line of sight fell back on Mana and, even though it was dark, he could tell that her hand was moving.

She was writing something.

"Are you mad at me?"

"I was but," Mana paused for moment as she finished what she was doing, "I'm glad you don't hate me."

She threw something in the air towards him and it landed on his chest. Straining to see what it was, he noticed that it looked familiar, "You didn't have to throw it so hard… Is that your diary?"

"Shinji," Mana crawled back up towards him and spoke as she started to undress, "I wrote some stuff in it and I'm going to keep doing it everyday from now on."

He turned away from her to sleep on his side, "Why? What does that have to do with anything…?"

She touched him.

Shinji could feel her arm sliding under him but made no mention of it. She reached her other arm over him and entwined her arms around him, pressing herself into his back as she embraced him.

"I know you have some things you want to ask me Shinji and I… I don't think I'll answer them for you but," She paused, taking some time to regain her composure, "If you ever think I don't love you anymore then read it."

Was it that bad?

No matter what she said or did to him, he wasn't just going to suddenly stop feeling like this for her. There were times when he would probably get angry but that didn't mean he wouldn't love her anymore.

It was too late to just disconnect from her. They were tied to each other by a link beyond words and actions and it wasn't something that was easily broken. If there was a chance that finding out what was going on could break that bond then would it be right to pursue it? Would it be right to continue his search when it bothered her this much? Was it worth knowing if she didn't want him to know?

Did needing to know outweigh treating her right?

Shinji looked at the diary he held already knowing that he'd never again have a reason to look at its contents. He tossed it on the floor, "I'm sorry for making you sad Mana…"

"It's okay." She smiled as she pulled him closer to her, "As long as you stay with-"

"But I'm leaving…" Shinji finished, his eyes firmly set on the open window.

He said it…

Those were the only words that she couldn't forgive him for.

Regardless of that, they stayed together in the bed. He laid there in her embrace and she kept him close to her, both of them already knowing that this was probably the last time they would find comfort in one another.

Nothing needed to be said. When he could get up, he was going to leave and she was going to stop him. As long as he was willing to be beside her then she would accept him but, when he woke, she knew that wouldn't be the case.

"I'm not going to let you leave…"

Continued…

Preview:

With her words, his understanding falls apart but, with his actions, her world unravels. Their feelings are intact but he yearns to break free from the very girl who holds him close. Now, only sad things can ensue…

Final chapter: Lovesick

"I'll love you… even if you hate me."

Author's Note: Remix, how I love thee. ;.; Either way, things are almost finished. I hope everyone likes what I have planned.


	6. Lovesick

Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Final Chapter:

Lovesick

"What do you want me to tell you then…?" Mana tiredly asked, her voice strained in an attempt to keep her feelings in check, "What do need me to tell you so won't leave?"

He walked passed the kitchen on his way to the front door. "Nothing," He said simply, "I know it's something wrong about this place… I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not supposed to be here."

"More like you don't like me anymore…"

"It…" Shinji turned to her with a pained expression on his face, "It's not like that at all."

Mana got up abruptly, her leg hitting the table as she suddenly stood. She walked up to him and looked him in the eyes, "That's why I'm asking!"

"We can't stay here forever!" He shouted back, albeit not as loud.

"We can and you know why…" She lowered her voice but the fire in her eyes remained.

Shinji was a dense person at times but that didn't mean that he didn't notice the obvious things. He knew that his wounds couldn't be treated with just a typical first aid kit, he knew that Mana just couldn't go out and get groceries when he knew that they were in the middle of nowhere, and he knew fully well why some of the doors were locked and why the books were blank.

"So?" Mana continued, snapping the stretch of silence, "This isn't real… but it's for you Shinji. Isn't this real enough?"

"Don't say it like that." He couldn't help but look at the floor instead of looking her in the eyes, "You're more than enough Mana but-"

She sighed loud enough to interrupt him, "You called me…"

"Huh…?"

While he was relieved to see her smile, the subject at hand only served to confuse him more than he already was, "I can't remember that much but I clearly remember you calling for help. You were screaming for someone to help you and, before I knew what had happened, I saw you on the ground…."

Mana leaned against the wall as she recalled what happened, "They came with me though."

This drew a reaction out of him, "T-They?"

"Ayanami and Katsuragi."

"They're here somewhere!"

"They're… They're inside me Shinji." The confusion and shock that registered on his face probably couldn't be greater than it presently was but she wasn't finished yet, "They wanted to help you too but only remnants of them remain."

"How come I never noticed it…? No, how come I couldn't talk to-"

"They're dead Shinji…" The look on his face made her regret being so blunt but she had no choice but to make sure that he clearly understood, "Their feelings only surface when I don't have a hold on my emotions."

His knees were starting to feel shaky and he could feel his legs starting to get weak. Seeing this, Mana rushed to support him and he stumbled into her arms, his eyes taking on a distant look to them as he accepted the information.

The truth was proving to be too much but this was what he wanted right?

"When I sleep, my consciousness seeps into yours sometimes…"

"My AT field... How…" Shinji was turned into a fumbling mess but he still retained enough sense of mind to remember what Kaworu said to him about the Absolute Terror Field and what it really was.

In the Angel's words, it was a barrier of the heart meant to keep one's individual self so if she was able to breech it then…

"They don't exist here Shinji." She said, giving voice to his unfinished thought.

Shinji's eyes went wide in realization, "That dream…"

"Ayanami is harder to control…" Mana said, leaving Shinji speechless to the point he couldn't even open his mouth in surprise, "It was because you kept thinking of her, I was starting to get… jealous."

That explained why the dreams were vastly different but, right now, that was the least of his worries. Without a doubt, he could clearly see why Mana sought to keep this to herself but he only had one more question he had to ask.

"Misato…?"

"As long as I have this she doesn't bother me as much as Ayanami does." She said as she pulled out the necklace she stole from him.

The ivory cross gleamed in candle light and Shinji couldn't help but back away in an attempt to get away from the facts in front of him. Stepping backwards, Shinji found himself falling back into a wall that he slid down as the truth of the situation dawned on him.

Words like manipulated and constructed started to come to mind but the only thing he could focus on was the girl in front of him as she knelled over. Mana refrained from saying anything but her eyes were locked squarely on the dazed boy in front of her, she tried to speak but her words were lost the moment she opened her mouth.

She had nothing to say anymore… The look in his eyes told her that he wasn't listening as he silently endured the headache that was dulling his senses.

"Mana… don't tell me you-"

"I don't know." She responded quickly, "I don't know if I'm still alive or not Shinji."

Shinji raised his head and looked up at her, "I don't know either…" He said softly, his voice an obvious sign that he was out of it.

Setting aside their past differences, his classmate calmed herself with a deep breath and took a seat on the dusty floor next to her boyfriend. The wood creaked and the necklace she was holding was still shining but Shinji only continued to blankly stare ahead as she got closer to him.

For all the laughs and awkward moments they shared, this was definitely the first time they sat this close but felt so far apart. The pilot didn't say anything as the headache slowly subsided, his understanding of what was happening becoming clearer as time passed. His classmate was just as still but for different reasons.

Without a doubt, he still intended to leave her behind but it was only now that she realized that she definitely played a part in his reason for making that decision. If she had told him little by little would he have come to realize that she never meant to hurt him by keeping her secrets? Was it so bad that she didn't want him to be hurt anymore by the harsh reality he knew better than most?

Time passed.

Seconds turned into minutes but time was not an important factor here. Regardless, it felt like they sat in the same spot for hours before she finally stood and dusted off her school uniform.

Although not fully recovered from the shock, Shinji took the mental stress in stride as he slowly got to his feet and stared at the girl in front of him. Looking into her sky blue eyes, he could tell that she was already prepared.

"Mana… I'm…"

Like so many times before, she raised her hand and touched him. The back of her hand trailed down his face and she smiled despite the fact that they couldn't be called friends anymore.

"You…" She clutched the cross she held even tighter, "You don't have to say it like that." Her hand dropped from his face, "Just do it if you are going to do it."

Shinji turned towards the door but not without looking over his shoulder at the girl he honestly fell in love with. A myriad of questions assaulted him as he stared at the smile he found more precious than his own life but the one that loomed over all was easy to answer.

He was leaving because this wasn't real. Ironically, Mana was the person who showed him that he had to do it even if he didn't want to. With his feelings urging him on despite the hurt etched into his heart, he brought his line of sight back to the front of him and reached for the door, "I have to do big stuff sometimes, too…"

The simple phrase caused her to recall a memory of her talking about how he always dealt with the small stuff but it didn't linger long thanks to the sound of the door closing.

0

He bounced on the old wood and it creaked under him as the dust that clung to floor started to rise. Shinji bit his lip as he painfully came to rest a few feet away from the girl who chased him down, both of them fighting to catch their breath because of all the running.

"Are you satisfied now?" Mana stared down at him at him after throwing him down, "Nothing is out there." She said furiously, as she rested against the wall.

Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead and didn't bother to dust himself off as he stood up. He didn't say anything as he narrowed his eyes at her. Freed from any notion that she was going to take it easy on him, he fully stood up with the desire to escape still intact.

Even after blindly running into the night in a random direction, he still could muster enough energy to get back up and manage to look even more determined than he did before.

It was a familiar look on his face. Even now, she admired his resolve but, now, she had to crush it for his sake. Mana tossed the necklace to him and he caught it with ease, "That's your reward for a good try…" Her anger quickly faded and was replaced by an intense craving to prove that she wasn't going to let him stroll out of here.

Shinji wasn't alarmed when she raised her fists.

She said she wasn't going to let him go and he wasn't dumb enough to think that she wouldn't go to such lengths to ensure that he didn't leave. Mentally, he was stressed nearly to his limits and, physically, he wasn't exactly in peak condition but he was surely strong enough to fend her off…

Right?

"You're really not going to stop are you?" Mana took a fighting stance and Shinji could already feel his body hating him as he shook his head.

"Shinji," She addressed him before knowing what she really wanted to say but ended up thinking as she paused. Was it dumb to hurt him now so he wouldn't be hurt later? Mana accepted what she was about to do with a sigh knowing that it was for herself just as much as it was for him, "Would you hold a grudge against me for this…?"

From any other person, it would be a terribly sarcastic remark meant only to annoy but, from Mana, he knew that it was an honest question.

"I'm not holding this or anything against you Mana." He admitted as he watched her, a question of his own coming to mind, "Why do you want to stop me so bad?"

"You think this is more than just about us and you're right but I'm not going to let you get hurt anymore."

"But you're going to hit me…?"

"I am!" She yelled after he posed the same question she asked herself, "Did Ayanami's slap hurt more than seeing your friend get crushed by something out of your control?"

Stunned, he opened his mouth to speak but she wasn't finished.

"Did his punch feel worse than seeing someone you lived with get violated while she screamed for your help?"

All he could do was slowly shake his head seeing that her reasons were now remarkably apparent but she needed to know if he really understood. Mana lowered her arms as the flame in his eyes started to flicker, "You have to be selfish sometimes… I know you feel responsible but what can you do by going back?"

"It's what I can't do if I don't go back."

Frustrated, she held her fists back up.

Words weren't going to work on him anymore. It was useless to explain that by enduring things that hurt him that he hurt the people around him by extension. He couldn't yet grasp the fact that this was going to hurt her far more than it hurt him.

"At least hit me back…" She whispered, the thought of her angrily punching him more than enough to make her eyes water.

His eyes drifted down to the memento of his guardian, "Don't ask me to do things like that."

With a heavy heart, she tried one more time, "Shinji please don't make me do this."

Shinji answered her with a sad smile, "Do it if you are going to do it."

She did just that.

In an instant the distance between them was closed and Shinji didn't bother to move but he make the mistake of looking up just in time to see the harsh gleam in her eyes as her elbow collided with his midsection, the feeling of his breath being knocked out of him becoming all too familiar as she withdrew her arm.

His expression on his face twisted up in pain but, as much as it pained her, she couldn't stop half way.

Gracefully, a fist crashed into his side with more than enough force to leave a bruise and it was quickly followed up by a jab that caught him directly on the chin.

Just saying it hurt didn't do the way he felt proper justice…

The bottom of shoe was firmly planted in his stomach thanks to how hard she struck him and all he could manage to do was bring his hands to his mouth as he doubled over.

Shinji fell on the floor, only one hand roughly pressed into old wooden floor to stop him from falling face first. It felt like his chest was lit on fire, each spot she hit him marked with napalm. The fact that he was still tired from running and that she knocked the breath out of him wasn't at all helping his cause as he desperately used the wall to get up.

He was too tired to mask his surprised when he discovered that she was helping him to his feet. Mana halted her assault and, for that, he was thankful to at least rest for the few minutes she helped him up, "I'm taking you back to the bedroom…" She whispered as she heaved him up.

"I'm not going… back to that room." Shinji managed to get out in the process of taking careful gasps since it hurt too much to attempt deep breaths.

The sound of something cracking echoed through the house.

Mana stared down at her half unconscious victim with a bitter mix of feelings as he laid crumpled on the floor in front of her, coughing out the dust that accumulated in his throat. Shinji made an attempt to roll out of the dent he made in the floor where the wood finally succumbed to the pressure but his body refused.

More than anything she felt angry at herself. All that was needed to get her point across was a simple punch or two but, when faced with every one of refusals, she couldn't help but try to show him that she wasn't playing. This wasn't a game in any sense of the word but she was certain this showed him that the only way out was through her.

Shinji narrowed his eyes at her but he didn't know which of the four girls she was until the second one from the left reached out and wiped the blood away from the gash on his forehead.

As she grabbed his collar, he somehow remembered how to talk, "Not… room…"

Mana didn't bother to listen to the garbled words he said as he drifted in and out of consciousness but she did pick up the necklace he dropped on the floor. Once again helping him to his feet, the girl started to aid him in walking to the room in the back of the house, "I'm sorry…" She said, knowing that he more than likely didn't even hear her.

0

Just like she said, he was still here even though he tried so hard to leave.

His entire body was still aching but it didn't hurt to turn his head and look out the window. Shinji stared at the night sky he was under not even hours ago but he didn't dare to even try and get up. If being stationary made him feel like this then the pilot didn't even want to think about actually being in motion.

From the bed, he could only admire the view but he didn't even have much time to do that.

"I'm not going to hit you anymore…" Mana laid beside him but the space between them emphasized how much things changed, "I swear. I'll never do it again."

More than the carefully kept secrets or the string of lies, she hated hitting him more than anything. In more ways than one the feeling of her fist coming into contact with him stood into a violent contrast to the gentle touches they usually shared. Knowing that she hit him made her stomach turn and just looking at the half broken planks of wood in the hall disgusted her.

Even though it made her sick, she knew that it was for the greater good but she also knew fully well that she wouldn't be able to do it again…

"It's okay…"

"No," She turned and looked at the bandages she wrapped around his head, "It's not."

Gritting his teeth together, Shinji got up and brought his legs to the side of the bed but it took him a while to actually get off the bed. Mana eyed him as he moved but she was surprised when he bent over and picked something up off the floor instead of going to the door.

She sat up and the first thing she saw was the cover of her diary and Shinji was opening it as he took a seat on the bed. With her looking over his shoulder, the first thing he saw was something written in the middle of the front page.

As he stared at the carefully written characters, he was reminded of the note he received a long time ago by the writer. Precise strokes and neat writing show him all that she wanted him to know.

"I love you…" Mana whispered, giving voice to the paper, "Even if you hate me."

A tear dropped on the diary as Shinji closed it but he was unable to place it back on the floor as she hugged him from behind. Tightly, she wrapped her arms around him to the point that he remembered that she put in a good punch on his side. However, the way he felt was more important than how much his chest hurt, "I feel the same way…"

"There isn't anywhere to escape to. This isn't something you can just walk out of. I'm doing this not because I think you can just up and leave." She looked down at the diary, his tears splashing on the hard cover, "The reason I stop you is so you can give up. We can be happy here Shinji."

Even if he did manage to get away from her, he wouldn't be able to find an exit or anything of the sort. There was no way to leave. It hurt but she was breaking his will on purpose. If she didn't take away that hope with her own hands then it would always linger inside of him.

"Why?"

"Because we can…"

"Is that really the right thing to do?" Shinji said with his head still bowed, "I…"

Mana smiled brightly despite the circumstances, "So? Is it right to leave your girlfriend by herself? We have a lot of things we can talk about and a lot of things we could do."

"Mana, if I found a way out would you come with me?"

Touched, the girl in question continued to smile but her reply wouldn't match the look on her face, "I'm a part of this place Shinji… I don't even think I could follow you if you found a way out somehow."

It didn't make him irate or depressed at all. If he had to use a word to describe how he felt the best one to match his feelings would be disappointed. With every decision he made, something had to be sacrifice no matter how insignificant it was.

Could he honestly throw his responsibility away and try to stay here? If he did that how would he be able to look at himself in the mirror without losing all of the self respect he recently gained.

How could he abandon Mana? She was this kind to him and he only did things to hurt her. If he left, he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself.

Either way, he wasn't going to feel well no matter the choice.

"I want you to come with me no matter what." Shinji reached up and touched her hand, "I don't care about what happens to me but you-"

"Don't make it harder on yourself… I was angry at first but I want you to make your choice. Tell me what you really want to do." She savored the feeling of holding him close to her, something she took for granted, before letting him go, "I don't want to argue and fight with you anymore."

He touched her…

His hand tightly wrapped her forearm as he stood up, the expression in his eyes telling her that he wasn't letting go anytime soon. His mind was made up a long time ago but it was only now that he firmly made his choice.

"We're leaving." He stated, the end of the bandage around his head partly coming off.

"How…?"

The headache started to come back but he would endure anything for her sake. Closing his eyes, he purposely forgot how the room looked. Every detail that was once committed to memory was ignored and what he did remember about the bedroom was forced to the dark recesses of his mind.

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he looked at besides Mana was the darkness around them. His girlfriend frantically stared at the void, "W-What is this?" She yelled, only serving to make his headache worse than it already was.

Shinji looked at the rapidly expanding black, "It's like the books…"

She blinked as she turned her attention back to him, her eyebrows rising as she finally understood. As the inky darkness from the corner of the room edged ever closer, Mana realized exactly what was happening.

The books were blank and nothing was beyond the field of grass because he didn't know what he didn't want to see written in them or think of what he wanted to see in the distance. He couldn't get anywhere the first time because he was attempting to do things while torn between his options but, now that he knew exactly what he wanted, it appeared in front of them.

"Shinji…"

"Mana, let's… go…" He whispered, his eyes still locked on the void in front of them.

"Listen to me," She pried his fingers off her arm but did so with a gentle smile, a smile that was brought on by the awe she felt at seeing him do what she believed as impossible, "If I'm not just a fragment then I'll see you later but… if I don't then-"

The approaching darkness slowly started to redraw as Shinji slightly fell into her. He was beginning to pass out but she wasn't going to be having none of that. With a push that felt more like a guiding hand, she caused him to take a few steps forward into the void. Barely conscious, the only things could make out for a fact was that he was blacking out and… he was moving farther away from her.

Mana waved at him, the bittersweet expression on her face branded on his eyes as she smiled with tears streaming down her face, "Goodbye…"

There wasn't any goodbye kisses or light hugs to bid some farewell. It wasn't any persistent feeling of rage compounded by the fact that two people who loved each other so much were being separated. The melodrama that usually accompanied such scenes was replaced with nothing other than an extreme sense of lost as the boy who desperately wanted to be with her only drifted farther away.

0

His senses were dulled but every one of them slowly started to come to alive again. Almost all at once, everything returned to him. He could hear what sounded like water crashing against something only to sail back to where it came and then do it all over again. He could feel the sand scrubbing against his arms as he tried to move… but something was wrong.

It felt heavy…

Shinji slowly opened his eye, the other one covered with bandages, and he saw the same sky he stared at so many times but it was only when he looked down that he discovered the problem.

A cobalt eye stared up into one that was sky blue and then trailed down a pale face but the person on top of him didn't dare stop what she was doing. Her face was so close to his that he couldn't see anything other than her face and the golden red hair that belonged to the girl on top of him.

She was so close that he could almost smell her hatred because it was thick. He could clearly hear her breathing as she strangled him, the shallow breaths she was taking proof that she was using all of her remaining strength to kill him.

Asuka was going to kill him and he couldn't feel more relieved.

This was the reality he was responsible for, he was the one completely at fault for what happened. Other than that, he made the wrong choice and he found himself smiling, satisfied that he was about to die so he wouldn't have to live with his decision for that long. It was only right that the second child be the one to do it, the things he did to her probably the most horrible of all.

His smile angered her so she applied even more pressure to his neck, "Die…" She muttered hoarsely, her voice unused since she woke up.

Did she have any idea how long he waited for this? To be released from this world that hated him so much, this reality that scared him more than anything. Morbidly, he could almost say that he enjoyed the feeling of her hands squeezing the lift out of him.

Knowing that he couldn't spare any words thanks to the fact he was nearly on his last breath, Shinji could only show how thankful he was with something Mana taught him.

His fingertips caressed the side of her face, his touch a sign that he perfectly understood why she was murdering him. It was a gentle indication that it was okay and that he didn't mind.

Asuka recoiled from his touch like she was shot, her hands releasing the hold she had on his neck the moment she realized what she was doing.

Despair visited both of them.

The red-haired girl shivered as she the boy under her coughed, his body taking in the air he needed even though he rather it didn't. She wanted to ask what happened to find out why it was like this but the hand she covered her mouth with prevented her from doing anything of the sort as the contents of her stomach threatened to come up.

Weakly, Shinji turned away from his fellow pilot as the smile fell from his face. He slowly looked around and, to his dismay, didn't see the person he searched for. Laying his head back down in the sand, it was only now that he truly accepted that he was wrong… He really made the wrong choice.

"I feel sick…"

Fin

Author's Note: That's all folks. This updated version mostly got across everything I really wanted to stress in the original. This Shinji was a bit out of it but the entire point of the remix was really showing how I wanted the original to be as opposed to making it a better or even different story.

Aside from Mana's relationship with Shinji, the most important part of the Remix was making it easier to understand where stuff came from and how it happened. I just threw stuff in the original and thought it was cool but, when I read it a few weeks ago, I cringed almost every three lines. o.o

Seriously though, I had fun with the Remix but I got some other stuff to do so I'll be on my way. I'm really glad to see my first written story get a make over even if I still have a lot of errors to get out later and, like always, many thanks for reading.


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